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WHAT'S YOUR VICE?

On day nine of my detox.


Detox from what?

All processed, unnatural foods. Yep, no sugar, nothing from a package. I already don't eat meat, just some seafood, so that part was easy. No alcohol. No substances. Trying to stick to the rule (I hate that word) that the only thing that can enter my body is something that hasn't been altered from it's natural state.

Why?

I was finding myself, more often than not, using food as hobby, as something I turned to in order to relieve stress, to bring pleasure and joy, something to do, to distract myself from my negative emotions. On top of that, just wanted to see how it feels to have a clean and clear body and mind. It's been awhile. It used to be my natural state. I lived in South America (Ecuador and Peru) for 6 years. Life there was so much more natural. Fruit stands from your local farms, mostly all home cooked meals, eating as a family and communal process. This concept of storing food in your cabinet, refrigerator or freezer for days or weeks isn't very common. You buy food, it goes bad if you don't eat it within a few days. That is the normal cycle of food. Until we add all this crap to it so it can last forever. Not good. I came back to the US and fell directly back into the American way, my roots, and now find myself years later with these bad habits again. It was time for a change, as hard as that can be.


What am I experiencing?

It sucks. I'm irritable, I'm bored. All the yuck is coming out. That is the funny thing about taking your vices away, it strips you to your core. To be with the raw and real you to be with the raw and crude reality of your life.

I find myself wanting to reach to my other vices. Things I haven't reached to for years. They sound so appealing right now. And I can ALMOST justify it too. I'm doing so good with my eating habits that, so what if I decide to get high. So what if I decide to have a few glasses of wine. The world seems like a truly fucked up place right now and I deserve a relief. It's what many people do right? They trade food for an obsession of working out. Trade alcohol for ganja. Trade ganja for sex. Can't deal with yourself, so you immerse yourself in another person. Or your body gets sick and gives you an excuse to self medicate to escape the pain and reality of your life. And so what? It's how so many of us live.


Well, the what is just another mask. It's another layer to put a lid on the shit that I tell myself I can't handle or be with. My mentor Christine Arylo repeats often, "What you can't be with runs you." It's true. I'm choosing to just stay conscious and just be with it all and see what comes out of it. Feel and release. The release part is hard as fuck for me. But I'm learning. And I'm not saying there is not a time for that glass of wine, for that substance that takes you to another level of consciousness, it is just not the right time for me. Because I am choosing not to mask anything right now. To be in my pure, natural state (as fucked up as that may be). My mantra these days are: "It's easy. It's natural. It's who I'm meant to be." The easy part is a stretch.


How are you dealing with it, if you aren't turning to your vices?

I'm finding myself turning to music. Looking to be inspired by others. Seeing the amazing things that people do in this world. The amazing talents. The courage that people have to live their dreams and be vulnerable and be seen. Then trying to find my courage. Trying to find what it is that I need to be in this world. What does this world need from me. Step one was just to share a little bit of my "rawness" with you all. That is what I was being called to do today.


I hope that you too can start to peel away your masks, be raw, feel. Shed some tears for humanity. I know I did today. There is a lot to grieve. There is a lot to release. Connect with others, connect inward. I'm here. I'm sending you hope and courage and love. Allowing you to be you, with no judgement. May you see yourself. May you be with yourself.


Samapana



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Thank you for your vulnerable honesty! I love this. Hang in there, you can do it!

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